Today, my heart it lost.

I’m cleaning off baby puke, finally alone as all three Little are napping.  As I listen to my “Thinking Playlist,” I am overwhelmed with memories and emotions I have tied to these songs.  Many of the memories that come to me are from our time in Africa, when I was missing home.

But today, I am adding memories to those songs.

Today, I feel lost in my own culture.  Alone in my own community.  Missing the foreign and being frightened of the familiar.

How did this all change?  What has change in me that didn’t change here?

“Life and Death” by Paul Cardall is playing and I’m weeping.  At this moment I feel life and death.  Life from a fullness of adventure I’ve experienced and Death from being apart from that world.  I feel Life from being in my home culture and all that is familiar to me, but Death because the familiar is no longer…me.

I have an new worldview, a different perspective on life, Following Him, hospitality, friendship, sacrifice, selflessness.  And I stand frightened of the familiar because it doesn’t share those views, that perspective.

This familiar now seems foreign.