But my emotions are on a very short fuse. Like My Love and I were
playing cards just now, while the kids were crying to sleep; I
couldn’t get anything out and lost 3 times in a row…I threw my
cards down, sobbing “I can’t do this anymore!!”
It sounds so dumb, but I’m feeling a lot of emotional strain and…ya. Yes, I
‘knew’ this would be hard, but THIS IS HARD!!
We met some Americans over the weekend, but that didn’t work out like I had hoped–no big connecting. I was having a hard time not having good “normal-I know you” relationships. Granted, we’d only been here two weeks, but it’s still hard. We didn’t have Internet at the house so I couldn’t even talk with people back home. My Love pointed out, of course this will be the harder part for me because I’m so relational and relationally driven. And what made it even harder was that my relationships here (My Love & the kids) were strained too!!
Relationships, I found, are a lifeline for me. I felt lonely, on top of all the stress I was feeling, with very limited relational outlets. There was stress from Bub learning new skills of crying & whining for everything from the homestay kids (more on that later). I was struggling with nursing Honey-Bear because of a yeast infections that turned into sores that got ripped open every three hours! I thought about giving up nursing completely! There was stress in not being able to talk freely with the locals I was around. There was stress in me struggling and My Love doing great. It was a blessing that he was doing fine and helping when my patience ran out, but at the same time it seemed to amplify my feeling of isolation in the struggle.
And consequently, holding it all inside…not so great (as you read in my journal quote). So after I threw the cards on the table and cried, My Love, wisely, told me to go write in my journal. As I wrote out my feelings, the weight on my shoulders seems to transfer to the paper. I felt like I could breath deep again and I felt heard.
After thinking, I decided I needed to be proactive about relieving stress before it blew up again. So I resolved to make journaling a priority and write at least once a week. Secondly, I was going to pursue homestay relationships with the mom and oldest daughter, and another mom in our language class. Though I couldn’t talk at all, I wouldn’t get better if I didn’t try, push myself and learn. If nothing else, I hoped they would see the sincerity in my heart from trying.